I Don't Care

One of the biggest lessons I have learned through parenting is how important team work is between the two adults trying their best to survive each day without losing their minds. When you have one or more humans living in your home who are incapable of making most or all of their own decisions, it becomes a daily grind to make a million small choices.

Where you go on a Saturday for fun, the outfits for the school pictures, what the menu is for dinner, and a million other things must be decided by the responsible older people that make up each family unit. Oftentimes, one adult ends up making the bulk of these decisions. If you have one parent that works predominantly outside of the home, and one that focuses the bulk of their time and attention on the kids and the household, it becomes common for the parent who focuses on the family to end up making a lot of the decisions. For some, this is great! Having almost full control on what the kids eat, where you go on the weekends, and how you spend time as a family is something some parents might really enjoy.

If both parents have some sort of career unrelated to raising children that requires an equal amount of time and energy, then the parents might naturally divide the decision making at home more evenly. But for many (based on what I am seeing online), it appears that even when both parents have jobs unrelated to parenting, there is still one parent that usually makes more parenting decisions than the other.

Regardless of the work situation, whenever both parents are with the children, it is ideal for the decision making burden to be shared equally. For the partner that hasn’t been making choices for the family most of the time, it may be tempting to defer to the parent that seems to have a better handle on the children’s preferences, what works best for the family, etc. On the weekends and evenings, you may be tempted to let this person continue to make the choices for the family, even though both of you are in the house parenting together. This is a terrible thing to do, unless your partner expresses they truly love being the captain of the family ship. However, if you are the parent that does not traditionally make decisions like this, if the parent who usually does make these choices ever asks you for your opinion, there is one answer that you should never, under any circumstance, utter:

“I don’t care.”

Other variations of this forbidden answer include, but are not limited to; “Whatever you want”, “I’m happy to do what you think is best”, or, the outrageous, “My job has worn me out and I’m too tired to really have an opinion.”

To say that your job outside of the home has depleted you of your ability to make a decision for the family, while not considering that the person that has been making decisions for the family every day for years is not also a little tired, is a crime too egregious to defend. If your partner asks you for your opinion, share an opinion.

If they are looking for dinner ideas, options for what to do with the kids this weekend, when and where to go on vacation, and a million other things, speak up. If they ask for your opinion, share it. In my experience making content online, here are a couple of common objections I have received from the comment sections when I have made videos about this:

“But what if I truly don’t have an opinion?”

Make one up. Pull one out of thin air. Say something to get the brainstorm going between the two of you. Just don’t say you don’t have an opinion. Your partner is not asking you if you have an opinion, they are asking for options or ideas. Your opinion is actually irrelevant. Say an answer.

If you don’t have an opinion, it’s actually a little easier to throw out some options if you think about it. If you aren’t invested in the outcome, it shouldn’t be too difficult to dig around in your brain and find a few valid options. You don’t have to bother with filtering through to find ones you actually like! Just toss them over to your partner and see what they have to say about it.

“But when I do share my ideas, my partner never does what I want.”

If you actually have a strong opinion, then have a real conversation with your partner instead of pouting about it. If it is discouraging to always have your opinion tossed aside when asked, take some time (when the kids are asleep or otherwise occupied) and talk about it. Say very clearly that when you offer your opinion, it always feels that your opinion is rejected. Articulate how that makes you less excited to share your opinions. Then, moving forward, kindly and gently point out to your partner if they continue to poop on your ideas.

However, if you don’t have a strong opinion, and you’re just throwing out suggestions to keep the brainstorm going, then who cares if your partner hates every option you give? You’re doing your part by sharing some thoughts, and if they want to reject what you’re offering, so be it.

If you resolve to eagerly and quickly share ideas when asked, then I am confident that your relationship with your parenting partner can make some big strides toward improvement. If you want to go above and beyond, start stealing the decisions away before they even need to be decided. Write out dinner options for the week on the dry erase board in the kitchen, look for fun vacation hotel options to send to your partner on your lunch break, or make an Amazon wish list for your kids’ birthdays that can be sent to family members when they ask what they should get for them. A little bit of proactive deciding can go a long way.

Now, if you are the parent who makes a lot of family decisions, and you end up asking for ideas or, better yet, your partner starts offering options without being prompted, don’t shut down their suggestions. Yes, some of their ideas will be stupid, impractical, or even dangerous. If they are taking an active part in trying to make decisions, say yes to their ideas as much as possible. Save your “no’s” for the things that really matter, like when you are trying to choose a paint color for the living room. Or when they want the couch with the USB ports, cup holders, automatic reclining feature, and faux leather. You know, the ones that squeak as they slowly kick out the foot rest and have what appears to be a power strip mounted in the arm of each end of the couch. Functional? Of course. But at what cost? Those things scream “divorced dad get’s his first apartment.”

Ultimately, a huge part of being a parenting team is sharing the mental load of parenting whenever possible. In some instances, there is one parent who relishes the idea of making most of the decisions. However, if one feels overwhelmed with all the choices they are making, it is imperative that the load be shared. If you aren’t getting the help you want, you need to ask for it point blank. If you’re the one sharing ideas but getting shot down, bring this up with kindness. Good teamwork takes communication. Stop assuming anything and talk about everything. Because this parenting thing is hard enough, you don’t need to make your partner guess what you need to get through the day.

Justin Kellough