Parenting Doesn't Matter Like You Think It Does

I have encountered parents of all types during my years on this planet. Of course, I observed my own parents up close, but as a pastor working with teenagers and their families I have seen the result of parenting efforts from countless moms and dads. And of course, extended family and friends with children have also been case studies for me about what someone should and should not do as a parent.

Photo by Juliane Liebermann on Unsplash

For many years, I assumed there was a formula you could follow that would result in children growing up to be well adjusted adults, ready to contribute to society. I thought that if you did enough things correctly, parents could help their children avoid most pitfalls, and would arrive at adulthood relatively unscathed. But as time went on, I started to see results that did not match the efforts of some of the people I had been observing. Parents at church who seemingly did everything correctly ended up with children going “off the deep end.” Drugs, alcohol abuse, teen pregnancies, and countless other issues plagued children who had parents that I believed were doing things correctly. I can never know what was going on behind the scenes, but I believe in my heart that each parent was truly doing the best they could to help their children avoid destructive behaviors. Whether you believe in God or not, most parents would agree that avoiding addictive substances and preventing pregnancy in the teen years are worthy goals. I do not know a parent who is not doing everything they can to avoid these situations or any number of other concerning behaviors.

The problem is that no matter what you do, your kids can still end up in troubling or even perilous situations.

I have seen parents who diligently slathered sunscreen and strapped lifejackets on their children lose them to some freak accident. I have heard stories of straight-A students with bright futures ahead experiencing life changing tragedies that forever altered their existence. I know siblings who have been raised in the exact same home under identical parental guidance who end up taking vastly different paths after graduating; one marched toward success and standard well being, and another stumbled through various addictions and destructive behaviors for years. Parenting doesn’t matter like you think it does.

I have the privilege of serving on a scholarship committee each year to choose recipients of full ride scholarships to major public universities. These students are highly intelligent, volunteer in their community, and are incredible leaders. They truly are the cream of the crop. Over the years, I have noticed a trend, or more accurately, a lack of a trend. It doesn’t matter what kind of parents these students have (or don’t have), they still have risen to the top above their peers. A select few have both parents, a large majority have been raised by single mothers, and a few have been raised by other family members when mom and dad disappeared from the picture. If the success of a child hinges on what parents do or do not do, then it would be safe to assume that the success of these high school seniors could be traced back to what their parents did. The truth is, it is obvious that what the parents did or did not do had little bearing on how smart, mature, and driven the students became. If there was a parenting formula to raise students to be as incredible as these scholarship candidates are, then you would assume that they would all come from similar parenting situations. But the truth is, whether they have two great parents or no parents, something in each of these teenagers molded them into the types of kids anyone would be happy to call theirs.

If you still aren’t convinced that how you parent might have less to do with your kids' success than you think it does, look at your own childhood, or the childhood of your partner. More often than not, people with siblings can look around at their own situation and see just how different people can become even when raised by the exact same parents. Hopefully you and all of your siblings are totally fine and well adjusted. But my intuition tells me that either you or your partner has a sibling who just can’t seem to get their act together. They may have come from the same parents and experienced an almost identical childhood, but they still could not be more different from you, and have probably pursued some things in life that you would label as problematic or disappointing.

My primary argument here is that parenting theory is more chaotic than we care to admit. Genetics, diet, friends, brain chemistry, and a million other factors can thwart our efforts to raise our children to become who we hope they can become. And on the flip side, even in our failures, any number of factors can make our children immune to our shortcomings as parents. I believe that because of the unpredictable nature of adolescent development, it might be best to worry a little less about our mistakes and failures on the parenting journey.

With that said, I think it is safe to assume that doing your best as a parent is a better strategy than phoning it in every day.

There are countless studies about the importance of being present, strategic, and diligent in your work as a parent. I don’t think any professional in their right mind would assert that your choices are meaningless. Almost every decision we make does matter, but without an all-knowing understanding of the universe or the ability to see the future, we cannot fully know if what we’re doing is helping our children or hurting them. Parenting doesn’t matter like you think it does because no matter how hard you try, you cannot control the chaos factor in adolescent development. No matter how your kids turn out, you will always look back and see things you could have done differently. And no matter how many mistakes you make, your children can still rise to overcome your fallibility in ways that no one could anticipate.

Using what energy, information, and resources you have is all that you can do. When you mess up, apologize and try to do better. As they get older and recognize your short comings, don’t be defensive or dismissive. Take accountability, but also assure them you truly were doing the best you could. Parenting doesn’t matter like you think it does because no matter what we do or do not do as a parent, our children are their own beings, with their own thoughts, desires, and inclinations. Raising children is a science experiment without a control that you can study beforehand. Every factor is constantly shifting around us, and even the most “perfect” parents will stumble along the way.

Of course parenting matters, but if you find yourself struggling with regret, confusion, or anxiety while you try to raise your kids, maybe it doesn’t matter quite like you think it does. We are not putting together a puzzle. There is not any one way to parent that will guarantee success and we don’t have a final picture of our adult children to compare to as we work to put together the pieces. Parenting matters because every child needs someone who is doing what they can to guide and care for them, but no one is entirely the product of their parents right (or wrong) choices along the way. Parents matter, but the choices and mistakes you make on this journey may not be as high stakes as you believe them to be. So when faced with an overwhelming task in parenting, take a breath, make a decision, and move on with your parenting life.