Getting back pieces of me
With 38 million views on YouTube, “Pieces of Me” by Ashlee Simpson has seen at least a marginal amount of success. If you are of my generation, you may even have been one of the lucky people to see the infamous SNL Lip Sync malfunction live that Ashlee endured in October of 2004. Regardless of what you feel about her abilities compared to her older sister Jessica, this song was a hit, and for me, it still lives in my head rent free.
Most recently, this song was on repeat in my brain as I was swimming laps in the pool at my local rec center. Because my son started kindergarten in August, I have now found an extra hour and half in each day that I can do whatever I want. Previously, my wife left for work at 7 a.m., I got my daughter to school at 7:30, and then I endured a grueling 1.5 hours of trying to entertain a child at home without depending on screens until his preschool started at 9 a.m. With the effect of my coffee barely registering, I had to keep a kid busy every morning, and it always felt like time slowed down.
Now that both kids are off to school at 7:30, and my responsibilities at work don’t begin until 9, I suddenly have hours back that I haven’t had for years. Exercise has always been something I loathed, but once I had kids, I was even less motivated. In order to take care of my body, I needed to either wake up at an ungodly hour, or ditch my wife and kids for 45 minutes or so each day to go for a walk. Neither option was optimal, so I chose the third option: doing nothing.
With the gift of time given back to me at the beginning of the school year, I have chosen to explore swimming as a way to care for my body. My relationship with exercise has always been on again off again, with me hating every option available to me. Running is impossible, I lack the discipline to keep my walking speed up to a brisk pace, and I’m terrible at any sport. I found some consistency on the treadmill because it forced me to keep my pace up, but the excruciating boredom (even with Netflix on my phone) made this daily activity miserable.
I’ve never tried swimming, and thought this might be worth a try. I can’t say that I love swimming, but I have done it at least four times a week for the past few weeks, and I’m finding that it’s not too bad. When it comes to the pace, you can only go so slow before you start to sink, so that’s good for me. As someone who is absolutely addicted to my phone, being forced to contemplate my own thoughts in the water is good for me. Things get existential REAL fast in the water, but in a world where I am constantly engaged with some form of media, I believe this thirty minutes of silent contemplation is what my addled brain needs.
But this leads me to the Ashlee Simpson song. In my head, I knew that I would not be parenting forever, but getting back these hours is the first significant moment when I have gotten a piece of myself back. Parenting takes a lot out of a person, and every piece of ourselves returned to us as the kids get older is like manna in the wilderness. One day, I will be so sad that my kids won’t need me. But as I slowly get more and more things back that parenting took away, life is getting better.
This isn’t to say that parenting small children ruined my life, but with more independence that children gain, the more parents can begin to become the versions of themselves that they used to be. I know you understand that you won’t be parenting forever, but the reality really sets in as you find little things returned to you that you felt you would never have again.
I will be sad one day about the kids leaving us behind to become adults, but the journey in the interim of gaining pieces of me back is proving to be a little boost of joy every time I pick something back up that I felt like I’d never have again. Celebrate the little things you get back, and save the sadness about babies growing up for later. Because in this season of parenting, every small part of ourself we get back can be the carrot that keeps us running the marathon of parenting.