We Don't Work For Them

For the first few years of a child’s life they are absolutely incapable of doing literally anything for themselves. Every moment of the day it feels like we, as parents, are personal servants for cute, but thankless, masters who have no shortage of needs and wants. And they’re mean when they don’t get their way- we miss a cue or step out of line, and we are faced with screaming, crying, perfect storms of circumstances and emotions that bring our lives to a screeching halt until we can fix the problem. And as studious as we are, we cannot always predict what will set them off.

You spend a few weeks learning that your toddler prefers the blue plate, and suddenly you are forced to rewash the same dishware three times a day to avoid their ire. But then one day out of the blue they are suddenly out of the blue-phase and have moved on to green, and there was no warning. You place the blue plate down (with grapes cut precisely the way they prefer, crusts removed from the PB&J, and the exact type of cracker they prefer), and then suddenly you have a child yelling at you once again. Of course we address the outburst, work to help them understand that kind of behavior is not acceptable, and gentle parent them into learning to be better humans. But we still dump all the food from the blue plate onto the green plate, and daily continue to use the green plate until their whims change once again.

Like the most outrageous pop star or rock band with a long rider of items required to make their hotel room perfect before a performance, parents are forced to keep up with an ongoing mental list of all the preferences for each of their children. And we spend our lives working to stay on the straight and narrow, seeking to avoid our little rock stars yelling at us in front of all our friends at the park.

But there comes an age when your child is old enough to switch their own plate to the color they prefer. There comes a day when they can get their own cup of water. Eventually, they reach an age when they can start fulfilling their own needs based on their own weird preferences. The problem is that transition for parents is not always easy to make.

Our kids can do more for themselves than they are currently doing.

I don’t care how old your kid is, most parents are doing a little more than they should be doing to take care of their children. We take their plates to the sink, we pick up the empty chip bags left on the couch, and pack their bags before school. Developmentally, I believe that our children are always capable of doing more for themselves than they are currently doing. As soon as they master one ability or personal chore, we should be moving on to the next one, slowly handing over all the little things it takes to keep them alive and hygienic. For a time, it is squarely on our shoulders to keep them fed, dressed, clean, and safe. But as soon as they can walk, we should start the decades long process of giving them the responsibility to care for themselves. Unfortunately, there are a few road blocks to this journey.

Doing things for our kids is easier than fighting them to do it.

If your kids are anything like mine, they are absolutely revolted by the idea of doing anything for themselves. As I start to give them more tasks to do, I have to threaten, beg, and drag them along to get the task done. And I have to remind them every day for years. For a long time, my kids seemed shocked after each meal when I asked them to take their dishes to the sink. After a few years of asking them, they are no longer surprised (and no longer fight me), but they still have to be asked. But once a week, they seem to remember the task on their own, and do so without me asking, and that is a win. It’s so easy to just keep doing the small tasks over and over again instead of reminding and begging our kids to do the tasks themselves, but this is a sure path to being their servant for the next several years. My strong-willed children sometimes break me, but more often than not, my refrain of “I don’t work for you” makes it clear that the task that needs to be done is their responsibility. And I don’t mind dangling consequences to set them in motion.

Doing things for our kids is faster than teaching them to do it.

Beyond simple tasks, as children get older the things they could do for themselves require more than just basic motor skills. Tying shoes, buttoning shirts, brushing teeth, and a long list of other menial tasks require a bit of instruction and supervision. If you’re rushing to get out the door, it’s easier and faster to shove their shoes on their feet than it is to wait for them to get them on at the snail’s pace they are currently capable of. Spreading jelly on a biscuit is less messy when we do it for them. Packing their sports bag for practice ourselves ensures that items are not forgotten. It is tempting to continue to do more than our fair share of the tasks it takes for a child to grow and live, but if we don’t slow down and teach them, we will be subjects to their reign for many years to come. My kids have often asked me to do things that are a little challenging for them, but I repeat my favorite phrase, “I don’t work for you,” and supervise them as they work to master the task on their own.

Doing things for our kids is something we don’t realize we’re doing.

I think the most substantial barrier to giving our kids the responsibility to care for themselves is the fact that we are often mindlessly caring for them, not even recognizing the tasks we are doing are things they should be doing. Maybe we had a parent who did almost everything for us (who are we kidding? Maybe we had a mom who did almost everything for us) and it feels like that’s what we’re supposed to do. Or maybe we’ve been doing a task so long we don’t stop to think if we can hand that task over to the kid.

After making and serving dinner up for our family the other night, I sat down to eat, and I had forgotten to get a fork for my daughter. Very politely, she asked “may I have a fork please?” I was actually shocked by how kind she was, and almost reflexively got up to grab one for her. Instead, I made it clear that she knows where the forks are and is welcome to get one herself. Some would feel bad making their child get up and do something for themselves after they asked so nicely for you to do it for them, but not me. I had literally made the entire meal, plated it, and put it on the table. It was not unreasonable to require her to do one small task on her own. But I can see why some parents would carry out the request without even thinking.

We are so used to doing so many things that we don’t realize we are doing too much. Or, even worse, we feel guilty not jumping up to take care of every need our child might have. Whether it’s lack of thinking or an abundance of guilt, we have to get in the routine of constantly handing over the responsibility of taking care of our kids to our kids.

We are caregivers, not servants.

There are caregivers in this world and there are servants in this world. These are both respectable careers, but they are vastly different. Caregivers do things for people that they cannot do for themselves. Those that assist the disabled and the elderly are not hired to do things in which their clients have the capacity and ability to do for themselves. A person may have impaired mobility and need assistance getting in and out of bed, but they can still brush their own teeth. The caregiver is hired to complete the daily personal tasks that the person for whom they care is unable to do.

Servants do things for people that can do things for themselves, but don’t want to. Maids, butlers, housekeepers, stewards, dog walkers, etc. all make their living doing things for people who are capable of doing those things for themselves. I’m sure there is a more politically correct term than “servant,” and I am not belittling these professions. But their task is to serve the person they work for, doing relatively simple tasks that their employer could do on their own, but choose not to.

Parents are caregivers, not servants. Our primary task is to do the things that our children cannot do for themselves. With each passing day, week, and year, our kids should be doing more and more for themselves, and we should be doing less and less. Although handing over these tasks is not always easy, quick, or efficient, we will work ourselves into burnout if we don’t hand these endless tasks over to the humans who benefit the most from these chores.

Whether it’s “I don’t work for you” or something more kind and compassionate, find a phrase to repeat to your kids (and yourself) to remind everyone that children should be constantly doing more, and parents should be doing less, to care for them.

Justin Kellough