Pardon or Punishment?

This is not a political post. This is a parenting post about a political problem. With that said, President Biden’s plan to pardon his son is not unprecedented. Our President Elect himself pardoned his son-in-law’s dad and is now choosing that man to be ambassador to France.

But like I said, this isn’t about politics. Since President Biden’s announcement, I have pondered what I would do if I were in the same situation. If I had the power to wipe the slate clean for my child who had found themselves convicted of real crimes they committed, would I take advantage of this opportunity? Is there a certain level of crime I would pardon, allowing them to face punishment for more egregious crimes? Would I feel differently about “victimless” crimes, like tax issues, than I would about assaults, murders, etc.?

Photo by Allen Taylor on Unsplash

Ultimately, this is 100% hypothetical. Although I feel that I am just as qualified as many people who have held political office, I can’t even get 1% of my followers on Tiktok to see and like one of my videos. I do not think I have the ability to motivate a majority of any population to vote me into office, nor do I have the desire. However, I believe that every parent daily faces the question, “should I pardon or should I punish?” For the sake of this article, when I say “punish” I mean correct and/or deliver consequences.

When a child hits their sibling, tells a lie, disrespects an adult, or any number of other offenses, we must decide if we will allow it or address it. If your kids are like mine, the number of offenses stack up so high and so fast that it becomes overwhelming to deal with every single issue. For most situations, I come in strong on the first offense. As the child continues to commit the crime repeatedly, my tolerance for the situation marginally increases as well. Intentionally annoying their sibling, refusing to get up and complete a requested task, and other offenses are ignored for a time. Sometimes I circle back around to addressing the issue with a somewhat elevated voice coupled with borderline extreme consequences. Occasionally my reactions solve the issue. Many times, my kids lose some screen time, but they don’t reform.

For example, my son is six years old and still sucks his thumb. Although innocuous in and of itself, the habit has brought many viruses into our home, and the dentist has already informed us we will be obligated to pursue orthodontic adjustments in the future. His habit has cost me health-wise and financially. After an afternoon spent asking him over and over to remove his thumb, without fail, I give up. I pardon the offense, at the expense of his health and my wallet. His will overpowers mine when I realize that no consequence or strategy will alter his behavior.

Although sucking a thumb is a little different than federal gun charges and tax evasion, every parent pardons their kids. If we were to offer punishment or even course correction for every infraction, we would not have time to do anything else. The question each parent must face is what battles are worth fighting, and which infractions are not worth the energy?

Choose your battles wisely.

Too often, I commit myself to a battle against a behavior before I count the cost, or even consider how important the issue is to address. With some things that should be pardoned outright, or at least addressed later, my knee jerk reaction drags me into a fight that I don’t need to be in. My son loves rocks. He enjoys finding them in our backyard and displaying them in his room. Unfortunately, the style of rocks found on our property are of a limited variety. So when we go on walks, wait in front of restaurants for a table, or find ourselves anywhere with professional landscaping, my son is drawn to the variety of rocks that people paid good money for. Whether they are rocks the size of his hand or just little pebbles, my son cannot help but grab some. As a law abiding, moral citizen, my inclination is to forbid any theft of any kind. As dumb as rocks are, I know they can be expensive to buy in bulk and spread around your property, so I immediately require him to return the rocks. After some consideration, I wonder if fighting this battle is very important. This is a crime that, when compared to other things he could do, is relatively harmless. Yes, if everyone helped themselves to landscaping rocks, eventually they would all be gone. But will a pocket full of pebbles really make that much of a difference? I highly doubt pardoning my son for this habit will lead him down the path to a life of crime.

Maybe there are behaviors you are spending too much energy on correcting. I don’t doubt that technically, the battle you fight is noble and just. But does it really matter? Does the good of punishing outweigh the potential downfalls of pardoning? Only you can answer that question, but reconsidering the battles you fight might be worthwhile.

Pardon now; punish later.

When your kids are young, if you don’t immediately address the issue, there is little to no hope that you can come back later and work through the problem. Like goldfish, children move on to the next thing quickly, forgetting everything they just did in 30 seconds or less. Trying to bring up an incorrect behavior you would like them to change after the moment has passed is a waste of everyone’s time. However, as kids get older, it becomes possible to overlook problems in the moment, and have a rational conversation later to work on correcting the issue. As kids move into the teenage years, this is probably the default method we should pursue. Correcting something in the moment in front of their friends or even family can lead to embarrassment and hostility toward you. There comes a day when consequences or correction must be delivered in private.

Regardless of how old your kids are, it would be wise to decide if correction is required immediately (or even consistently) or later. For example, in some situations it might be prudent to correct a behavior, but in a different context, it might be better to ignore that same behavior entirely.

Give yourself a parenting pass.

Correcting behavior, having intentional conversations, and delivering fair consequences can become exhausting. In addition to work, house chores, relational upkeep, and just general self-care, working to help your kids become better people can become a real time-suck. Furthermore, when tired or otherwise overwhelmed, the constant need to address problematic behaviors can become a burden too much to bear. Give yourself permission to take a break. Allowing one issue to remain unresolved for a day, week, or even longer will not ruin your child. You won’t undo years of hard work by allowing one thing to slip by. Give yourself a parenting pass, address issues that are immediately dangerous or grossly unfair to other siblings, and then move on. Sleep on it, research your options, and try again another day.

We may never have the power to pardon our children from actual crimes, and the vast majority of our kids will never need such legal reprieves. However, we all have the choice every day to pardon or punish. Too much pardoning and your children might grow up to be actual criminals. Too much punishing and your children might grow up to be terrified to go against the grain in any situation. Parenting is hard, and your decisions matter, but as long as you are trying to pardon and punish when appropriate, even if you mess up a little, you won’t mess up your kids forever.

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