A Lesson on Parenting from Love is Blind

I was just under two years old when my dad took me with him to meet the woman he was cheating on my mom with. Since I was unable to speak, I was the perfect alibi for him because, like any reasonable woman, my mom assumed that her husband surely could not be up to no good with a toddler in tow. Less than a year later, my parents were divorced, and I have no first hand memories of them ever being in the same room together and it not being incredibly uncomfortable.

When I reached adulthood, he told me that things were not physical with this person before he and my mom divorced, so if he is to be believed, I guess I just babbled in a highchair while the two of them got to know each other over a steak dinner at Culpepper Cattle Co. near Dallas. The only reason I know the name of the restaurant is because growing up, whenever we were in the “big city” (about two hours away from us) he would point out the restaurant as we went by and chuckle about how that’s where he and I would meet up with the person who became my stepmom. I am uncertain if he spoke of it lightly to assuage his guilt, or if he truly did not think it was that big of a deal. But if you were wondering how I knew about my role as an unwilling accomplice, it was because my dad was not shy about letting me know.

On this season of “Love is Blind,” a reality show on Netflix that I enjoy more than is reasonable, we met a man named Clay. If you aren’t familiar with the show, a group of singles date each other with a wall between them, preventing them from ever seeing each other. After several days of intense dating by only speaking through the barrier, some choose to propose, they get to meet in person, and we follow their journey to see if they will get married at the end of the month long experience. Clay fell in love with a woman named AD and, like many couples on this show, seemed to be a perfect fit at first. After several days of intense dating, Clay read Proverbs 3:5-6 out loud to AD through the wall, and then got on one knee to propose.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”

As we followed their relationship out in the real world, it was revealed to the audience that, although AD was ready for the commitment of marriage, Clay struggled significantly with the fear that he might one day cheat on her. We learned that his parents were married for about 24 years, but ended up divorced due to his father’s infidelity. Clay casually mentioned on multiple occasions that his father actually took him on these meet ups with the person or persons he was cheating with. I’m sure a large swath of the audience was shocked to hear that a dad would do that. I’m not sure why I thought my dad was the only person that would take a child along to cheat, but I too was surprised to hear that someone had the same experience as I did. And, based on Clay’s story, he was old enough to have memories of these meet ups, revealing to his mother for the first time during filming of the show that his father took him along on his extramarital affairs.

Clay’s dad and mom

Clay’s only example of a father was one that was not faithful to his wife and, I assume he was compared to his father a great deal growing up. I imagine that adults throughout his childhood saw the good things about Clay that were traits from his father, and affirmed those things by going on about how much he was like his daddy. But as he grew up, Clay surely began to see some of his father’s negative attributes reflected in himself. Weeks away from a potential wedding, he was worrying about his ability to stay faithful to a woman he truly loved because he knew in his heart the old adage, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” is true in many ways.

Infidelity is, of course, a choice that a person makes.

No one stumbles into an affair, and to outsiders, it appears that Clay is worrying about something he has full control over. If he was scared he would cheat on AD, then he could just choose not to cheat. But for a single man contemplating a lifelong commitment to another person, it is not unreasonable to wonder what his ability to stay committed would look like years down the road. It’s not like his parents had some sort of brief relationship before breaking apart. Clay had watched two people he assumed were committed fall apart after decades together because of a man’s unwillingness to stay faithful. It was not crazy for Clay to be worried about whether he had what it takes to make it until “death do us part” so he chose to say no to AD when the time came to make their vows.

The truly powerful moment in this story came when the audience was given the gift of a small conversation between Clay’s parents after AD fled the altar in tears when he rejected her. In general, family members are barely featured in this show, and they are rarely shown in scenes without one or both of the engaged people featured in the series. But after the wedding was cancelled, standing around in their best attire, Clay’s parents had an incredibly insightful conversation. Clay’s dad (Trevor) appeared to be a little clueless about what actually happened. From the outside looking in, Clay appeared to be truly in love. Trevor was proud of him for not committing to something he wasn’t 100% sure about, and mentioned that Clay just needed to find someone great like his mom that he could commit to. Clay’s mom (Margarita) quickly pointed out that Trevor had found a great woman himself but couldn’t commit. Rightfully, Trevor had nothing to say to that. Margarita went on to share how she knew Clay wanted a long term relationship, otherwise he would never have come on a show created to help people find true love. She pointed out that the past mistakes Trevor made were significantly impacting Clay’s ability to confidently walk down the aisle with a woman he truly loved. Trevor mentions his own lack of a father figure, alluding to the fact that this impacted his ability to stay faithful, and they go on to mention generational curses, and affirm that children should not feel like they cannot break those curses.

What a parent does today can change their child for the rest of their lives

In some ways, I believe that no matter what a parent does, they will surely let their children down. The pressure to be perfect for our children can keep us from being the best versions of ourselves. But Clay’s story shows us in 4k HD that the choices we make as parents can drastically impact our children in ways we can’t imagine. So what is a parent to do? Do we walk around on egg shells, fearing that a flaw in our character could ruin our child’s hope to grow up to become a well adjusted adult? Of course the answer to this is no. However, in the midst of the chaos of parenting, it is vital that we find quiet moments to look inside to see if there are any broken areas that we should be working on. Many people can naturally take stock of their feelings and thoughts and discern areas of weakness. For others, input from those close to us or a professional is necessary to help us see our weak points. But if we become so overwhelmed with the day to day pressure of parenting that we don’t stop to see if we have some broken parts, we will drag our kids along as we make bad choices that impact ourselves, our partners, and our children.

The best thing a parent can do for their kids is take care of themselves.

In the event of an emergency, when the oxygen masks deploy, put on your own mask before helping your child put on theirs. If a parent consistently seeks to care for their child before addressing their own physical, mental, and emotional needs, both the parent and the child will end up suffering. For a time, a parent can survive as they give everything to their children, but eventually, by ignoring the basic things they need in order to care for their kids, parents can end up doing something out of character. They may make a choice they never thought they would. They may find a balm in substances, relationships, or activities that are not good for them. And their kids will watch them make these choices, and then one day, wonder if they themselves are doomed to the same mistakes their parents made.

You do not have to make the same mistakes your parents made.

Unlike Clay, I never wondered if I could stay committed to my wife. If anything, growing up with divorced parents, the desire to stay with the same person for my entire life was stronger. I knew what I faced as a child of divorce, and I cannot imagine willingly making choices that would lead my children to have the same fate. But you might be like Clay. You might have a genetic inclination to addiction you inherited from a parent. You may have a personality like your dad who leaned toward explosive anger. There could be any number of things your mom did that you are scared you too will commit. But what Clay didn’t seem to understand, and you may not realize, is that the mere fact that you recognize the sin and failure of your parents and fear you might do the same is a huge step toward never making the same mistakes. The fact that Clay was so aware of the sins of his father indicates that he (1) recognizes the sinfulness of what his father did and (2) is self aware enough to know that he needs to be careful not to make the same mistakes.

Being aware of our parents’ failures is a sign that we are less likely to make the same errors. And the more we work toward learning from their mistakes, the better able we are to break the generational curses that can impact our children and grandchildren.

If Clay would have combined his self awareness and understanding of his father’s sin with the advice presented in the Scripture he read to AD, their story might have taken a different route. If you are a follower of Jesus, trusting in God and not depending on your own understanding is the key to walking the straight path our parents might have failed to walk. So if you fear making their same mistakes, or creating entirely new issues, and passing them on to your kids, pay attention to God, trusting in Him, and I believe He will make your parenting path straight.