I’m not going to bury the lede here: new parents don’t ask for help nearly as assertively and consistently as they should. This makes an already difficult job even more difficult, and it is the number one mistake new parents make. Why on earth would someone struggling through the early days of the most insane task they have ever attempted fail to ask for help?

New parents are easily embarrassed.

In those first days and weeks, many new parents are so quickly and fully in over their heads, they often feel like they are the only ones who don’t know what they are doing. All of their friends and relatives who are parents seem to have made it through the early days unscathed, so asking someone to help when you feel overwhelmed can be embarrassing. Here is the secret though: every single parent on the face of the planet who has ever lived has a million little moments where they think, “I have no freaking clue what to do with this little human right now and I am losing my mind.” But you wouldn’t know that because most parents keep these things to themselves. The only thing the outside world can see is a baby that looks healthy and a parent smiling in social media posts. But the chaos and desperation behind closed doors is 100% a reality for almost every parent.

New parents don’t want to bother others with their problems.

The idea of burdening others with our problems has become more and more crippling for people in all stages of life, not just parents. I recently read about how getting an Uber to the airport instead of asking a friend for a ride has eliminated a cornerstone of relationships: the “I owe you one” favor. With more and more ways to solve problems on our own, we are losing opportunities to build a web of casual dependance and “good neighbor” opportunities. I believe this has bled over into modern day parenting. With our ability to learn almost all of the basics of parenting through Google, the default of reaching out to others for guidance and actual help has almost completely faded from our parenting strategy. This exacerbates the already prominent reticence most people have about asking for help.

New parents feel like they have no one to ask for help.

The disappearance of the “village” that previous generations had access to that helped raise children has been well documented. More and more parents find themselves in a town with a fresh baby and no family or close friends nearby to assist during the most chaotic moments of parenting. Although I am sure there are some people who are truly alone, the idea that there are so many parents in towns who literally do not know a soul nearby whom they can call for some help is a little farfetched to me. I’m not saying everyone has access to a person who will babysit at the drop of a hat for free, but most people know someone they could reach out to for smaller things. Many parents just choose not to do so, most likely due to one of the reasons listed above.

But asking for help is a win/win situation.

If you ask for help, there are two outcomes: you either get help, or you don’t. If you get the help you need, you’ve discovered a resource to go to when you are drowning. If you gain enough of these resources after asking a variety of people to help, suddenly you have a roster of adults that could help you out of a jam. Or at least half of a jam. If you turn to someone who seemingly denies you help for no good reason, or finds a way to say “no” multiple times in a row, then you now know exactly where you stand with them, and can adjust your expectations of them appropriately. For example, you might find yourself or your partner struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety. If after assertively sharing your concern with your doctor you still get your fears brushed aside, you now know you need a new doctor. Being assertive and loud about what you need from the people in your life is the best way to learn if they are someone worth staying close to. If you are loud about what you need from people in your life, you either get the help you need, or learn who is not actually in your corner like you thought. It’s a win/win situation, so start asking without apologies. And it’s not like you’re going to be begging people to help you forever. This is just a season, and asking for help is not unreasonable. And I’m certain that when you are able, you will be eager to return the favor to anyone who helps you.

What if your partner is the problem?

I truly believe that most partners who appear to be unhelpful in the early days of parenting are ignorant. What feels so obvious to you may not be that way for your partner. The piles of laundry, the dirty bottles in the sink, the smelly diaper, and a million other things seem to be so blatantly obvious to you that you can’t fathom how your partner isn’t intentionally ignoring those things simply to make your life worse. But the person you find yourself parenting with may have a different tolerance for mess and chaos. Assuming that they have the exact same radar for what needs to be done in the house is foolish, especially if they are also running on less sleep than they’ve ever had. If your partner is proving to be unhelpful, start being loud about what you need, and keep repeating. It may get tiring to repeat yourself in order to get them to do something, but it’s even more tiring to give up on asking and find yourself doing everything on your own. Advocate for yourself and don’t stop reminding them about what you need. You might feel like this is “nagging” but when you’re in the trenches of parenting, nagging might be a survival tool you have to lean on until you make it to the other side.

Ask loudly and assertively for what you need.

I’m sure many parents would prefer that their friends, family, and partners would just inherently know what to do to help them, and reach out to offer that help without any prompting. That’s not going to happen for most of you, so get loud about what you need. Some people truly are clueless about what would be helpful. Some people don’t want to insinuate you need help by offering it out of the blue. Some people need your permission to step into your chaos. No matter your situation, you will get more help by asking for it than by silently hoping for it. And if by some miracle someone does offer to help out of the blue, for crying out loud, take the offer.

Say yes every time someone offers to help.

So many people will casually say to parents with new babies in the house “well if you need something, just let me know!” Most new parents smile, nod politely, and say “thanks!” but never actually take these people up on their offer to help. This is a huge mistake. They are giving you an open door to ask for help and, even if they are just being polite with no real intention to help, call them on their bluff. The worst that could happen is that you find out they are all talk and no action. But more often than not, you’re going to get some help! Cash in on every single offer to help and I guarantee you’re going to get some assistance you desperately need that you would not have received otherwise.

Being a new parent is an insanely hard job. Do not make an already difficult task even more difficult by refusing to ask for help or passing on help when it’s offered. Your parenting experience could change drastically for the better if you would only ask for help assertively and consistently.

The Number One Mistake New Parents Make